Category: Research and Papers

The Line Between Gratitude and Gaslighting: When “Wanting Too Much” Is a Lie

Gratitude is often held up as a healing force, a way to reconnect with what matters, to ground ourselves in moments of light during dark times. And for many of us who have lived through emotional abuse, coercive control, or simply chronic minimisation, gratitude was a kind of survival. We learned to find meaning in crumbs. We trained ourselves to focus on what we had, because asking for more felt dangerous.

But there’s a line.

A very real line between gratitude and the slow, insidious internalisation of a perpetrator’s story, the one that tells you:

“You want too much.”

“You’re too needy.”

“Why can’t you just be grateful?”

These messages don’t always come with raised voices. Sometimes they come with a sigh. A glance. A withdrawn gesture. Sometimes they’re said aloud. Other times, they just become your own voice, repeating in your head, soft and persistent, keeping you small.

When Gratitude Becomes a Cage

True gratitude is expansive. It connects us to joy, to others, to ourselves. But survival-based gratitude, the kind we learn in harmful dynamics, can become a form of self-silencing.

You start saying:

“It could be worse.” “At least he doesn’t hit me.” “She means well.” “I should just be thankful.”

But what if those statements are just polite translations of fear?

What if “being grateful” is actually masking the loss of your own needs, boundaries, and worth?

Wanting Isn’t the Problem

In abusive or controlling relationships, wanting becomes risky. Wanting respect. Wanting rest. Wanting to be heard.

All of these can be weaponised and reframed as selfishness.

So we shrink. We cope. We stop wanting out loud.

But here’s the truth:

You are allowed to want more.

More peace. More support. More truth. More than crumbs.

That isn’t greed. That’s recovery.

A New Kind of Gratitude

Healing doesn’t mean abandoning gratitude, but it means choosing a different kind.

Not gratitude that keeps you quiet, but gratitude that fuels your voice.

Gratitude for:

The moment you saw through the manipulation. The people who reflect your truth back to you. Your own clarity, your refusal to keep shrinking.

Gratitude and power. Gratitude and grief. Gratitude and rage.

You’re not too much.

You were just taught to feel small by someone who feared your bigness.

You can hold both:

Gratitude for surviving — and a fierce refusal to stay in stories that shame you for wanting more.

Support & Resources

If any part of this article resonates with your experience, know that you are not alone — and you are not “too much.” Below are trusted organisations that can support you:

📞 Immediate Support

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) – 24/7 free and confidential www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk Call 0808 2000 247 Women’s Aid Live Chat – Confidential chat with trained support workers chat.womensaid.org.uk Men’s Advice Line – Support for male survivors of domestic abuse 🔗 www.mensadviceline.org.uk Call 0808 801 0327

🛠️ Legal & Safety Tools

Rights of Women – Legal support on family law, DA, housing, and immigration www.rightsofwomen.org.uk Various legal helplines depending on issue (listed on website) The Survivor’s Handbook (Women’s Aid) – Practical guide to leaving abuse www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook Bright Sky App (Hestia) – Discreet app with support info and a secure journal www.hestia.org/brightsky Disguised app icon, safety-checked for those in unsafe environments.

Systemic Barriers & Power Impact Framework (SBPIF) Organisational Assessment Tool

Purpose of This Tool

Katie Gregory (2025)

The SBPIF Organisational Assessment Tool is designed to help mental health services critically examine power structures, systemic barriers, and access inequities in their service delivery. It provides a structured approach for reflection, accountability, and transformation towards anti-oppressive, trauma-informed, and co-produced mental health care.

This tool can be used for:

  • Service audits & reviews
  • Staff training & reflection
  • Service user co-production discussions
  • Policy and practice development
  • Accountability and transformation planning

How to Use This Tool

This tool consists of five core domains with reflective questions and an assessment scale to identify strengths, gaps, and areas for action. Organisations can use it as a self-assessment or through facilitated group discussions with staff, service users, and stakeholders.

Assessment Scale

Each statement is rated on a 1-5 scale:

  • 1 – Not at all (This is not considered or addressed in our service)
  • 2 – Rarely (Minimal consideration or action, mostly reactive)
  • 3 – Sometimes (Some efforts are made, but inconsistently)
  • 4 – Often (Considered and implemented, but with gaps)
  • 5 – Fully integrated (Embedded in policy, practice, and culture)

For each domain, score your organisation’s current position and note specific evidence, challenges, and actions for improvement.

SBPIF Organisational Assessment Domains

1. Power: Who Holds It and How It Is Used?

  • To what extent do service users influence decision-making within our organisation?
  • Do we acknowledge and challenge professional and institutional power imbalances?
  • Are there mechanisms for staff to challenge hierarchical structures without fear of repercussions?
  • Are there transparent processes for service users and communities to hold our organisation accountable?

Score (1-5): ____
Evidence & Challenges: ______________
Actions for Change: ______________

2. Systemic Barriers: Access, Exclusion & Equity

  • Do we recognise and address barriers related to poverty, disability, racism, gender identity, or neurodivergence in accessing services?
  • Are our referral pathways accessible, timely, and inclusive for all?
  • How do we accommodate service users with complex needs (e.g., trauma histories, multiple diagnoses, cultural or language differences)?
  • Are policies and funding structures reinforcing exclusionary practices (e.g., diagnosis-dependent access, long waiting lists)?

Score (1-5): ____
Evidence & Challenges: ______________
Actions for Change: ______________

3. Meaning: Service Users’ Experiences & Narratives

  • Do we explore and validate service users’ own meanings of distress, rather than relying solely on medicalised frameworks?
  • How do we ensure that individuals’ social, cultural, and systemic contexts shape care plans?
  • Are we enabling people to define their own recovery, rather than imposing professionalised expectations?
  • Do we actively listen to service users’ experiences of oppression, discrimination, and harm within mental health services?

Score (1-5): ____
Evidence & Challenges: ______________
Actions for Change: ______________

4. Responses: How People Adapt & Resist Systems

  • Do we recognise distress as a response to systemic harm, rather than an individual ‘disorder’?
  • How do we support service users in self-advocacy and resistance against oppressive practices?
  • Do we enable choice in treatment options, including non-medical approaches?
  • How do we respond when people disengage, resist, or challenge our services? Are they met with punishment, coercion, or further exclusion?

Score (1-5): ____
Evidence & Challenges: ______________
Actions for Change: ______________

5. Transformation: Structural Change & Accountability

  • Is there an organisational commitment to anti-oppressive, trauma-informed, and power-conscious practice?
  • Do we measure and track systemic inequities in service provision?
  • How do we ensure that service users and marginalised communities are leading service transformation efforts?
  • Do we have accountability structures in place to ensure ongoing improvement?

Score (1-5): ____
Evidence & Challenges: ______________
Actions for Change: ______________

Reflection & Action Plan

  1. Which domains scored the lowest, and why?
  2. Which areas need urgent attention and systemic change?
  3. What immediate steps can be taken?
  4. What long-term changes are required to redistribute power and improve accessibility?
  5. How will we ensure accountability for these actions?

Commitment to Change

This framework is not a tick-box exercise—it’s a tool for meaningful change. Organisations should revisit it regularly and involve service users, staff, and community stakeholders in developing and implementing solutions.

Next Steps:

✅ Share results with leadership and frontline staff.
✅ Identify specific action points for immediate and long-term change.
✅ Set a timeline for reviewing progress.
✅ Work towards co-production and structural reform.

By using the SBPIF, organisations can move beyond surface-level reforms and begin dismantling the systemic barriers that shape mental health care.

Are you ready to challenge power structures and create real change? Start your assessment today.

Transparency Statement:
This document was collaboratively developed with the support of AI to enhance clarity, structure, and efficiency. However, all concepts, analysis, and critical reflections within the Systemic Barriers & Power Impact Framework (SBPIF) are grounded in professional expertise, lived experience, and a commitment to systemic change in mental health services.

Systemic Barriers and Power Impact Framework (SBPIF)

This framework developed here at Stride Mental Health UK, adapted from the Power Threat Meaning Framework (Boyle & Johnstone, 2020; Johnstone et al., 2019) focuses on how systemic power structures influence access to mental health services, treatment outcomes, and the overall experience of care. It will help providers critically examine their own practices and identify changes to improve equity, effectiveness, and accessibility.

Systemic Barriers and Power Impact Framework (SBPIF)

A framework to examine and deconstruct power structures in mental health services to improve access, quality, and systemic fairness.

Core Questions of the Framework

Rather than focusing on pathology or deficit-based models, the SBPIF can help your organisation ask:

1. Power:

• Who holds power within our organisation and systems?

• How does this power shape access to mental health care?

• Where do imbalances of power create barriers to care?

• How are service users’ voices, particularly marginalised voices, heard and valued?

2. Threat (Systemic Risks and Barriers):

• What systemic barriers prevent people from accessing timely and effective treatment?

• What organisational processes (e.g., long waiting lists, rigid referral criteria) reinforce exclusion and distress?

• How does the threat of surveillance, coercion, or control (e.g., risk assessments, forced hospitalisation) impact engagement with services?

3. Meaning (Impact and Interpretation):

• How do people make sense of their experiences within the mental health system?

• How do structural inequalities (e.g., poverty, racism, disability, gender identity) intersect with their experiences of care?

• How does the medicalisation of distress (e.g., diagnosis, medication) shape narratives about mental health?

4. Responses (Resistance, Survival, and Adaptation):

• How do people resist or adapt to the power structures in mental health care?

• How do service users and staff challenge or subvert harmful practices?

• What community-driven, anti-oppressive alternatives exist within or outside mainstream services?

5. Transformation (Structural Change & Accountability):

• What actions can be taken to redistribute power and make services more equitable?

• How can we move from ‘service user involvement’ as a tokenistic measure to real co-production?

• How do we hold organisations accountable for systemic harm while supporting meaningful change?

How the SBPIF Can Be Used in CAMHS & Mental Health Services

1. Service Audits & Reviews – Organisations could use this framework to critically examine policies, referral pathways, and treatment models to identify where power imbalances create barriers.

2. Staff Training – Workshops and reflective practice using the framework could help staff recognise their own role in power dynamics and shift towards trauma-informed, collaborative approaches.

3. Co-Production with Service Users – The framework could be applied in partnership with those who access services, ensuring their experiences inform systemic change.

4. Policy & Practice Reform – Findings from applying the framework could drive policy change, funding decisions, and advocacy for fairer mental health provision.

5. Accountability Measures – Organisations could use the SBPIF to set measurable goals for reducing systemic barriers and improving accessibility and cultural responsiveness.

More to come on all of this please watch this space….

The Power of Reflection: Exploring Relationships Through a Systemic Lens

Relationships are central to the human experience, shaping our sense of self, our emotions, and our interactions with the world. However, these relationships do not exist in isolation; they are embedded within broader systemic structures that influence our experiences, expectations, and behaviours. Reflections on Connections: A Journal to Explore Adult Relationships offers a structured approach to exploring these dynamics, providing an invaluable tool for individuals seeking deeper understanding and more fulfilling interpersonal connections.

Understanding Relationships Systemically

A systemic lens considers relationships as part of interconnected networks influenced by social, cultural, historical, and institutional factors. Unlike an individualistic approach that focuses solely on personal traits and actions, a systemic perspective examines how external structures—such as family roles, power hierarchies, and societal norms—shape relational dynamics. This broader view allows individuals to contextualise their experiences within a framework that accounts for power, privilege, and social expectations.

Journaling within this paradigm encourages individuals to move beyond self-blame or blame of others and instead develop a nuanced understanding of relational challenges. By engaging with guided prompts and reflective exercises, journal users can identify recurring patterns, examine inherited beliefs, and gain clarity on how systemic factors contribute to their interpersonal experiences.

The Benefits of Reflective Journaling for Relationship Growth

  1. Enhancing Self-Awareness Journaling fosters self-awareness by encouraging individuals to articulate their thoughts, emotions, and relationship patterns. Through structured reflection, journal users gain insight into their expectations, boundaries, and relational needs. Reflections on Connections provides carefully designed prompts that invite deep exploration, helping users identify relational themes that may not be immediately apparent.
  2. Recognising Power and Boundaries Power dynamics play a crucial role in shaping relationships. Whether within families, workplaces, friendships, or romantic partnerships, power imbalances influence communication, decision-making, and emotional safety. The journal’s prompts facilitate an exploration of how power operates within relationships, prompting individuals to examine where they hold agency and where they may feel constrained. Additionally, engaging with systemic reflection can help individuals establish healthier boundaries by recognising where external pressures or learned behaviours have dictated their relational responses.
  3. Encouraging Emotional Processing and Healing Writing about relationships allows individuals to process emotions in a safe and structured manner. By externalising thoughts and feelings onto the page, journal users can create distance from emotional distress, gaining clarity and perspective. This process is particularly beneficial when navigating conflict, loss, or significant transitions, as it enables individuals to identify underlying needs and develop constructive ways forward.
  4. Developing Critical Thinking About Relational Norms Society often dictates unspoken rules about relationships—who holds power, how emotions should be expressed, and what constitutes ‘healthy’ interaction. Through guided reflection, Reflections on Connections challenges these assumptions, inviting users to critically engage with the relational norms they have internalised. This reflective process can illuminate unconscious biases, enabling individuals to redefine relationships on their own terms rather than passively adopting inherited patterns.
  5. Supporting Connection Through Meaningful Insights While journaling is often perceived as an individual exercise, its benefits extend to relational growth. By deepening their self-awareness and understanding of relational dynamics, individuals are better equipped to engage in meaningful conversations, articulate their needs, and cultivate relationships grounded in mutual respect. Additionally, the journal’s creative elements, such as colouring pages, provide a mindful way to process complex emotions, reinforcing a balanced and holistic approach to relationship reflection.

Conclusion: A Pathway to Deeper Understanding

Reflections on Connections: A Journal to Explore Adult Relationships serves as more than just a personal diary—it is a tool for systemic exploration, emotional growth, and relational clarity. By offering structured prompts, evidence-based insights, and creative exercises, the journal empowers individuals to move beyond surface-level reflection and engage with the deeper forces shaping their relationships.

In a world where relationships are increasingly complex and impacted by broader systemic forces, taking the time to reflect can be a radical act of self-awareness and empowerment. By engaging with this journal, individuals not only deepen their understanding of themselves and their relationships but also cultivate the skills needed to foster meaningful, fulfilling connections.

Whether you are seeking to navigate relational challenges, unpack inherited narratives, or simply engage in mindful self-reflection, Reflections on Connections provides a valuable companion on the journey to greater connection and clarity.

Reflections on Connections: A Journal to Explore Adult Relationships

A Pathway to Connection and Clarity

Inside, you’ll find:

  • Insightful Prompts & Thought-Provoking Questions that invite you to explore your relationships on a deeper level, shedding light on emotions, boundaries, communication, and personal growth. Each page offers a unique question designed to spark reflection and self-awareness.
  • Empirically-Informed Knowledge that supports your reflections, offering valuable insights from psychological research, ensuring that your exploration is grounded in evidence-based understanding.
  • Creative Colouring Pages that provide a mindful break, allowing you to reflect creatively while calming the mind and enhancing the journaling experience.
  • Dedicated Space for Reflection where you can freely write, draw, and express your thoughts and feelings, offering a space for introspection and clarity on what each relationship brings to your life.

With chapters that delve into emotional impact, boundaries, communication patterns, and values, this journal helps you understand not just the people around you, but also how you engage with them. From self-reflection to understanding relational dynamics, Reflections on Connections offers a nurturing path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Whether you seek understanding, healing, or simply a deeper appreciation for those around you, this journal will guide you to meaningful connections and greater well-being. Each thoughtful prompt and creative exercise will help you build the awareness and clarity needed to nurture your relationships, one page at a time.

Take the time to nurture yourself and the relationships that matter most—start your journey today.

Ready to deepen your relationships and gain meaningful insights? Order Reflections on Connections: A Journal to Explore Adult Relationships today and start your journey towards clarity and connection.

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Facing Anger Together: Empowering Parents & Supporters of Angry Children and Teens

Is your child or teen often overwhelmed by anger? Do these outbursts affect your family’s harmony, leaving you feeling frustrated, helpless, or unsure of how to respond?

You’re not alone—and there’s support available.

We’re excited to announce the release of Facing Anger Together: A Workbook and Guide for Parents & Supporters of Angry Children and Teens, now available on Amazon!

💥 Why This Book Matters

Unmanaged anger doesn’t just impact the individual child—it can ripple through the entire family dynamic. Power struggles, emotional distance, and repeated conflicts can leave both parents and children feeling stuck in cycles of frustration.

But here’s the good news: anger isn’t the problem—it’s the signal. And with the right tools, you can decode what’s beneath the surface and respond in ways that heal, not harm.

Facing Anger Together is more than just a guide to “managing behaviour.” It’s a roadmap for building stronger emotional connections, fostering trust, and creating a family environment where every emotion, even anger, has a safe space to be understood and expressed.

🌱 What’s Inside the Workbook?

Facing Anger Together combines evidence-based strategies with practical activities designed to help both you and your child navigate anger in healthier, more constructive ways.

Here’s what you’ll find inside:

🔍 Empirical Information & Proven Interventions

Grounded in research and real-world experience, this guide offers time-tested strategies to help you understand the root causes of your child’s anger. Learn how trauma, unmet needs, and systemic stressors contribute to emotional dysregulation—and discover practical interventions to create lasting emotional growth.

🎨 Creative Expression: Colouring Pages & Journaling Spaces

Sometimes, words aren’t enough. That’s why we’ve included creative activities like colouring pages and reflective journaling spaces to help children and teens process their feelings in a calming, therapeutic way. These tools encourage emotional expression while providing a safe outlet for self-reflection.

👦👧 Adaptable Strategies for Ages 10–18

Whether your child is navigating the turbulence of early adolescence or the complex emotional landscape of their teenage years, this guide offers flexible approaches tailored to meet their developmental needs. No one-size-fits-all advice—just adaptable tools for real families.

🤝 Connection-Based Approaches

At its core, Facing Anger Together is about connection over correction. You’ll learn how to strengthen the bond with your child, create emotional safety, and respond to anger with empathy instead of escalation. Discover practical ways to build trust, foster resilience, and ensure your child feels truly seen and heard.

🗣️ Real-Life Scenarios & Practical Solutions

Not sure how to respond when emotions run high? This guide features relatable, real-life examples with step-by-step strategies you can use immediately. Gain the confidence to support your child through even the toughest moments, with clarity and compassion.

❤️ Why Facing Anger Together Is Different

This isn’t just a book about managing outbursts or enforcing rules. It’s a guide to understanding the “why” behind the anger, exploring how systemic factors, relational dynamics, and emotional unmet needs play a role.

Through reflective exercises, practical tools, and creative activities, you’ll be equipped to:

  • Decode anger as a symptom, not the problem.
  • Model healthy coping strategies for emotional regulation.
  • Repair ruptures in relationships with compassion and accountability.
  • Empower your child to navigate their emotions in constructive ways.

Whether you’re a parent, caregiver, teacher, or mental health professional, this workbook is designed to help you support the young people in your life with empathy, understanding, and evidence-based tools.

📚 Ready to Get Started?

If you’re ready to move beyond frustration, power struggles, and emotional overwhelm, Facing Anger Together is here to guide you.

🌟 Available now on Amazon: Facing Anger Together: A Guide and Workbook for Parents & Supporters of Angry Children and Teens 🌟

Give your family the tools to turn anger into an opportunity for growth, connection, and resilience.https://amzn.eu/d/g3uGSp0